Dear Family and Friends:

Football and soccer season are in full swing. I’m not sure why, but I am coaching Scottie’s flag football team again. I must be a glutton for punishment. This year I did a bit of recruiting to get certain kids on my team and we had 8 practices before our first game. But none of that has mattered thus far – we are still 0-3. It’s a good thing I don’t get paid to do this – I’d probably be fired by now.

Josh’s soccer team was undefeated last fall. He’s playing with the same team this fall. Their season started off well, but they finally lost a game. Josh is pretty bitter and didn’t say a word pretty much the rest of the day. I don’t think he’s ever tasted defeat in soccer before. He’s a proud man – like his dad.

Zach is playing soccer for the first time. He is super excited and tries his best all game long. In his first two games he came exceedingly close to scoring a goal, but to no avail. Then, in his third game, he finally knocked one in. I’ve never seen such a celebration. Then he scored two more, just for good measure, and he’s been walking on air ever since.

Meanwhile, Anna is doing dance. (Did that sound enthusiastic?) She has a practice once a week, but unlike sports where there is a game every weekend, they only have one recital at the end of the season. (I’m not sure if “season” is the right word for dance). She doesn’t understand why her brothers get all of the fun while she’s stuck sitting in the hot sun watching game after boring game every Saturday.

Sam doesn’t mind all of the games, so long as we bring him lots to drink and eat. Speaking of whom, we finally cut Sam’s hair. It’s official – he is a boy.

Last year for fall break we took a family trip to San Diego . This year we didn’t take any trips. Instead, Josh had oral surgery on Monday. He has a tooth that will not drop into place so they had to put a chain on it to pull it down. He had to go completely under. To help him go under they put laughing gas on his nose. He had a nice, relaxed smile on his face for a while and said at one point: “I tooted.” Meaning, he farted. Then he started laughing hysterically. Overall the surgery was a success.

Scottie went to a day camp during fall break. You’re probably thinking he did football or soccer or, at the very least, baseball. But he didn’t – it was a musical theater camp. Other than the price, Jill and I were excited he was doing it. Apparently lots of other parents thought it was expensive, too, because only 8 kids between K-6 ended up taking it (and it was advertised to several elementary schools). Scottie was one of only two boys, the other being a second grader who cried the entire first day because he was hungry. At the end of the week they put on a little performance with some singing and dancing. Scottie has made us make a solemn vow that we would not bring our other children to the performance or show our video recording of it to anyone. But I don’t know why – he did great and seemed to really enjoy it. Up next – Fiddler on the Roof. Seems like Scottie is following his Utah cousins’ footsteps.

Flu season is nearly here, which means it is time for flu shots. It’s not that big of a deal to all of our kids, including Sam, except for Zach. He is definitely our most aggressive child as far as anything goes, except shots. He’s paranoid and will often put on a sound and light show before he gets poked that would rival an Oscar nomination. We are thinking about putting him in Scottie’s musical theater camp next year.

Report cards for first term are out and Jill and I met with all of the kids’ teachers. Last time we received report cards, I started to write a Brown Family letter that did a report card on the kids’ teachers. I’m not going to attempt that again, since Jill will just erase all of my hard work, but it’s not necessary – the teachers basically said that our kids are the greatest they have ever had. That’s how your get an “A” as a teacher.

Love,

The Browns

Brown Family Olympians

Dear Family, Friends and Countrymen:

Whenever I watch the Olympics I’m reminded of how I could have been an Olympian. Everyone said so when I was growing up. And now that I’ve watched a few Olympics from my couch, I heartily agree that I could give those athletes a run for history. Is it too late to sign up as an alternate somewhere?

Speaking of future Olympians, we now have four kids in school full-time! I thought Jill would be in celebration mode, but she is super sad. I’ve tried to comfort her by telling her that she can get a job and I’ll stay home with Sam, but she thinks I’m kidding. Secretly, though, I’m looking to train more. After all, who couldn’t become an Olympic athlete if they worked out all day?

I have recently taken up golfing again. I take it up about once a year during the summertime when it is so hot outside the golf courses practically pay you to play. I’ve now taken Scottie twice and Josh and Zach once each. The universal theme is that they all think I stink. And I can’t disagree – collectively we’re quite a spectacle out there, holding up the fast-moving golfers who tell us our type should be confined to the driving range or purgatory. Note that golfing is not an Olympic sport . . . and there is a reason for that – it’s not a sport for real athletes.

Scottie has taken up the Olympic spirit, too. He told me and Jill that he's going to start training for the 50m freestyle in swimming. When I told him I was going to be in the 2012 Olympics, too, he and Jill started laughing. It took them a while before they could regain their composure. I don't mind -- it's just extra motivation.

I took the kids to the cabin without Jill. She banned me from taking my .22 rifle – apparently she didn’t think there was enough “adult” supervision, whatever that means. So, we were stuck with shooting an old $10 bow and arrow set that we bought Scottie for his third birthday and a bb gun that can’t penetrate paper plates. Nevertheless, we enjoyed ourselves, shooting in tournaments that I set up. I won them all, naturally, but the kids did well, too. I’m pretty sure bows and arrows and bb guns are in the Olympics.

I finally bought a fishing license a month ago. I’ve been fishing three times since then and have been skunked every time. Part of the reason is that I am too lazy to wake up early in the morning to go fishing when the fish are actually biting. Part of the other reason is the adult to child ratio on my fishing trips, generally 6 (kids) to 1 (adult). One of these days I’m going to go fishing by myself at 4:00 in the morning just to prove to myself (and the world, who is always watching me in my Olympic fantasy) that I can still catch a fish.

Misty has a stink problem. She’s generally been a stinky dog, but over the last year she has really outdone herself. During that time she’s rarely spent time in the house because of her unbearable smell. Finally, Jill took her to the vet, which we have been informed is a doctor for pets that are sick or otherwise injured. Anyway, the pet doctor said Misty’s ears are infected and that is the cause of her increased smell. Indeed! Now we have to squirt stuff in her ears morning and night and clean them out with cotton balls. It’s a gross job and smells really bad, which is why Jill and I have fought more these past few weeks over whose turn it is to squirt and clean Misty’s ears than we have the entire length of our marriage combined.

I’ve decided that job or no job I need to start training for the 2012 London Olympics, so I took Misty jogging the other morning. She is out of shape! After the third mile she wouldn’t run anymore and after the fourth mile she laid down in some shade and stuck her tongue out at me. (Okay, so Misty was lolling her tongue out the entire time, but you get the point.) Luckily we were close to civilization so I asked a lady in a parking lot if I could use her cell phone to call Jill to come rescue us. The lady was very helpful. Won’t she be surprised when, in 2012, she sees that strange man from the parking lot win gold against his son.

Love,

The Phelps-Browns

Keeping up with the Joneses

I've decided I can no longer hold my ground. I've succommed to peer pressure by actually creating a blog. Fancy music has not yet made it in but I'm sure its only a matter of time - the matter being that my sisters have to decipher what the artists and titles are of the songs I like as I cryptically try to hum the melodies to them.

Plus also, (that is a connector commonly found in the Junie B. Jones grade level 2 books I frequently read) the real nail in the coffin came when Scott promised Zach $5 if he could score a goal at his last soccer game. Zach apparently was in great need of liquid cash and, considering Scott to be a man of his word, took him to the cleaners. Zach's triumphant game ended with no less than 3 goals. Afterwards, Zach proudly asked Scott to pay up and Scott told him "If you can tell me what 5+5+5+5 is I will give you that much money." Zach is a smart first grader. I'm not sure why Scott thought he could trick Zach with this addition problem but needless to say his plan was instantly foiled. "Twenty!!!!" Zach screamed with delight as he realized he had hit the jackpot. It was a red-letter day for Zach!

Later that day I was cleaning the kitchen and was putting away the crayon mess. I noticed Zach, who never colors, had created a beautiful piece of artwork that I just couldn't put in the recycle. It says, "HApe socRa DAy. ZAch I Git 20 BUX" with two very smiling orange stick figures next to a soccer goal and a couple of soccer balls. How could I resist?

It really was the deciding factor for me. I decided I had to find a way to remember this and determined to put the "blogging" question at last to rest. So, yes, we are keeping up with the Joneses!